A part of this did in fact have to do with my personal life. My husband, whom I respect, admire, and absolutely adore, took an excellent job opportunity that resulted in great work experience for him (he's an electrical engineer and this is work in the field), a little padding in our bank account (that will hopefully be applied to a house next spring), and a lot of time away from home (which has been hellish for both of us). I can't tell you how much more I respect military husbands/wives and other work widow(er)s who are home while their significant other is away. It's taken a lot of work on both of our parts to adjust to this big change, so that has been rather stressful.
As discussed in my previous post, though, the majority of my recent sadness (I don't want to throw around the word "depression" because I don't think it is a term that should be used lightly, but I do wonder if that's what it was...) was coming from my workplace. Those of you who teach (and I think that is the vast majority of my readership) know how much your profession infiltrates your life. Your entire life. Being a teacher is not just my occupation; it is a part of my identity. My school building is my second home. (Some of my students were astonished to discover that I have a hairbrush, deodorant, makeup, a set of clean clothing, dry shampoo, a manicure set, and various other toiletries stashed in one of my cabinets... but I have to! I live there for 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week!) I've often joked with my theatre kids that, while my husband is away, the stage and the classroom are my paramours.
Needless to say, when you fall out of love with teaching, it brings a lot of unhappiness to your life. And that's where I've been.
Despite the intimacy of this (because these are not things I normally share with others, let alone with the internet), I'm telling you this, dear readers, because I want you to know how I got myself out of this predicament. I want to leave this little breadcrumb trail in the hopes that, should you ever get lost, it will help you find your way back out.
1. Avoid the poison. The poison is negativity. Avoid it like the plague. I've written in the past about how you might consider avoiding teachers' lounges and such places because they are often the hatching grounds of pessimism, rumors, and mutiny. I don't know why I did it, but for some reason I felt drawn towards the poison while I was at my lowest. It was like we had a common enemy and I felt like there was someone who would understand. Guess what? That negativity doesn't accomplish shit. It just makes you feel worse. Suddenly you find yourself dwelling on every awful thing that ever happened in your career as an educator. It's ugly and it's not worth it.
2. Teach what makes you happiest. If I asked you what your happiest times in your classroom are like, I'm sure you could tell me. We know what we most enjoy in our classrooms, and we know what we detest the most. I detest prepping for standardized tests. You know, it's different if I'm prepping them for a unit assessment. I like that. I love our test review days because they feel productive. Let's use the trite old metaphorical mountain. We know we're trying to get to the top of the mountain. We can see the top of the mountain, and we can see the path to the top. I let the students lead the way as we climb the mountain together and I help them out when they get stuck. Sometimes I'm able to look ahead and see part of the path that's going to give them problems and I can say, "Hey, watch out for that really narrow ledge there. You're going to have to take that nice and easy." Then we all make it to the top of the mountain and we celebrate
What I'm trying to get it (in a totally roundabout kind of way) is that prepping for standardized tests IS NOT FUN FOR ME. At all. So, while I was in my funk, I had to do the things that made me happy. So we read a novel and did a WWII/Holocaust unit because, even though the Holocaust was an extremely sad and horrible thing, it was more enjoyable for my students and myself to study the Holocaust than it was to stare at more multiple choice questions. Oh, and a funny thing happened on the way to the forum... while we were studying our novel unit, my students learned literary terms that I guaran-freaking-tee will be on the test. I think. Okay, you know, it's a state test so maybe not... but maybe. So it's like we did test prep... but we weren't up to our armpits in lava and we weren't breathing in noxious gases from Venus's atmosphere.
(That, my friends, was waaaay too long. More of an allegorical mountain than a metaphorical one... But I'm keeping it. If you made it this far, I salute you. Just reading that was probably like climbing a mountain.)
3. Find a little spot of sanity in the insanity. I did a stupid thing (academically speaking) during my third semester of college. I was very close to wrapping up all of my gen ed classes so I stuffed as many of them as I could into one semester. I did not take a single class that made me happy. I took... math. And physics. And biology. And all those other classes that make English majors like myself want to crawl in a hole and die. It was awful. That was by far my worst semester of college. From that point on, I vowed to take one "sanity class" a semester. Best. Idea. Ever. I would recommend that to any college student, and now I recommend it to you. Find something that keeps you sane while you teach and hold onto it for dear life. During this horribly sad time in my life, the only thing that kept me sane was theatre and, more importantly, my theatre students. It was the same way at School #1. That extracurricular activity, despite being extremely demanding (and you have no idea how demanding it is unless you coach/direct an art), was/is the spot of sanity in my day. I always look forward to theatre practice after school each day. Find your sanity spot.
4. Don't get stuck in a rut. I did that too. For a couple of weeks my days were very "wash, rinse, dry, repeat." Once I realized I was in that rut, I started doing little things to get out of it. I drove a different way to work. I sat outside for lunch one day. I worked in the auditeria during my prep instead of in my classroom. In the evenings I watched a couple of movies I had been wanting to see. It's amazing what little changes like that can do for your overall morale.
5. Be meaningful. This Huffington Post article refers to this Ted Talk when it mentions there are three different kinds of happy lives. The happiest living, according to this, is when we lead a combined life of engagement and life of meaning. We are at our happiest when we are engaged (working) and we are using our strengths in the service of something larger than ourselves (meaning). I'm pretty sure that's the definition of teaching right there. According to this, teachers ought to be the happiest people around (obviously there are many factors that contribute to unhappiness in our profession, but we already know what those are). I think one of the reasons I felt so out of sorts is that turning up the flame under my ass to get those amazing test scores was sucking all of the meaning out of my work. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I basically had to put on my big girl panties, push my woes to the side, and remember why I teach and for whom I am teaching. And that's my students.
It isn't fair to them when I'm unhappy at my work. It isn't fair to me when I'm unhappy at my work. So I started kicking it old school. I went into my classroom, I shut the damn door, and I taught. The students led the discussion. The students asked meaningful questions. The students learned. I was merely a guide, and that's what I've wanted all along in my classroom.
I firmly believe that you can teach yourself into a happier classroom existence. I think that sometimes we forget our own power. My husband and I have talked about this a lot. Happiness is a state of mind. You choose happiness. We have the power to choose how we want to look at things. So for now, despite all of the negativity, despite the junk funneling down from the higher powers in the public education system, I am choosing to teach and I am choosing to do it with a smile on my face.